Lord of the Toon - Newcastle fans resort to the last hope

Newcastle fans are fearing the worse come Sunday when they could be relegated from the Premiership for the first time in 16 years. After loosing to Fulham on Saturday the future is bleak for the Tyneside club, but luckily they've got the worlds biggest fan on their side, yes G.O.D. Who else?
Here is Rev. Glyn Evans of St.Andrews Church in Newcastle talking about his secret plan to help Newcastle survive relegation. Thanks to the Chronicle for this wonderful video.

Good Lord I can't believe we've have sunk so far! They are now asking for a holy intervention from the almighty as only a fictional God can save Newcastle football club now. As a fellow Newcastle supporter I openly encourage any tactics to try and keep Newcastle up for another year, but this is too far. Not only does God not exist, even if he did why would he listen to a priest who's changed the words of hymns about Jesus into Shearer, surely that's blasphemy. He also looks like a fool with his black and white robe, surely that's breaking some kind of archaic religious rule.

If their previous track record is anything to go by Newcastle will be relegated. This is because they sent tributes to Bobby Robson when he was manager 7 years ago, since then he was sacked, then suffered various different type of cancer. Certainly being a Newcastle fan is very similar to being religious, in the sense that you are continually given lots of false hope.
This plan is never going to work, especially as God is currently engaged re-reading the Harry Porter series. Yes that is what God is doing, I would know, as he told me last night. Well Jesus lovers, God works in mysterious ways, lets hoping keeping Newcastle up is of those ways. We can but only pray!

Pars'R'Us: Don't watch the hype

Last week saw the release of the long awatied video of Tempa T's Next Hype, one of the grimiest songs of 2008/9.
Tempa T or Tempz to those you are unfamiliar with his work, is an artist who's lyrics basically consist of physically harming people in various different ways, robbing people and destroying things. Not very much socio-political commentary or satirising of recent events or intelligent word-play here.
The video starts off with Tempz working at Pars'R'Us and being called into his bosses office, who happens to be Tim 'bloody' Westwood. Too good to be true. Westwood then procedures to try and act and persistantly looks at his script. The scene then ends up in Westwood firing Tempa which ensues chaos with Tempz running amok. Watch the brilliance!

My favorite scene was when he was chasing a man with a kite. Its a shame there was a wealth of testosterone-endused scenes of Tempa T either working out or just oiled up, which frankly was unnecessary for the video. There was no need for that in my opinion. Conversly it makes up with the appearance of Westwood who only dropped some acting bombs rather than the fictional music-based bombs he drops in his weekly show.

However good this video was, I think that Tim & Barry who made it were inspired by the follwoing video as looks awfully similar Tonx Tantrum's Just Me. which is awfully similar to Tempa T.

Note the strong homoerotic overtones, the car jacking scene, the similar style of the video and the unnecessary flexing of muscles. I think a potential lawsuit is on the cards.

House of Common Criminals: Expenses! Expenses! Everywhere!

There are few words to describe the chaos that has ensued this past week over MP's expenses. When I started writing this blog on Tuesday there were a handful of claims, but now there are far too much to mention in one blog post, so I've tried to condense it into a managble rambling.
I knew it was a turning point in modern UK politics when I witnessed the lynch-mob style heckling of MP's on Question Time on Thursday, the like of which I have never seen before. here is a clip of some of the madness -


Over the past few months this has been coming with a freedom of information request going through the courts eariler in the year. But suddenly this week it has blown up, like a big balloon of RED paint in Parliament; Leaving MP's with RED faces and RED palms (as they have been caught RED-handed)

Resign! Resign! Resign!
The 8 days of revelations from the Telegraph has left MP's confidence utterly shattered after having their Westminster bubble burst. Since then it has descended from initial embarrassment, into fraud allegations, eventually manifesting itself into the crowd baying for the blood of the political posse.

Westminster was buzzing with MP's running around like head-less chickens clutching cheques, apologising unreservedly, calling press-conferences, backing-down and just simply hiding from the press mob.

My favorite moment of the week goes to Hazel Blears, the communities secretary and semi-professional squirrel impersonator. She was one of the first to public humiliate herself when she was caught not paying capital gains tax on her second house after selling it for a £45,000 profit (naughty squirrel). This promted her to call an emergency press conference, where she brandished her cheque to the Inland revenue paying back the £13,000 she owed.

There are a mountain of embarrassing claims, which is increasing day-by-day, so I have highlighted some of the most interesting to condense. We'll start with the Conservative MP's; New Torries, same rich bastards. Here are some of the Torriers more extravagant claims:

Oliver Letwin - claimed £2,000 to replace a leaking pipe under his tennis court!

Douglas Hogg- claimed expenses for cleaning his moat. A moat! A moat! Yes you've read correctly a bloody moat! What next for Hogg; some chain-mail, a squire. Good lord! It's not the 14th century is it? I urge the general public to lay siege to Hogg's castle and demand the money back! Bring your pillaging bags and rape sticks

David Willets - claimed £115 for replacing light bulbs. Sorry, Sorry Pardon, What? £115 for lightbulbs. I might get into the selling and fitting of lightbulbs with that kind of profit margin.

These revelations has promoted Conservative leader David 'Davey' Cameron to publish all their accounts and can be found here.

The Lib Dems were a different story, and haven't come out so bad, as their claims are more innocuous. My favorite claim came from the Lib Dems with Chris Huhne claiming for a trouser-press (£119) and Hobnobs (79p), very Alan Partridge.

The most trivial claim also came from the Lib Dems with an MP claiming 69p for paper napkins.

So far the whole debacle has fully died down yet, but so far here are the major political casualties:


Andrew MacKay = Davey C's political aid has been chucked out of the party after he claimed 2nd home allowances on both of his and his wife's (another MP) home totaling around £250k over 7 years. (tut, tut)



Elliot Morely - has been suspended from the Labour Party, after he claimed £16,000 for a mortgage that did not exsist! How foolish of you!




Shahid Malik- Resigned after Gordon Brown ordered him to step down after allegations he broke the ministerial code, after claims he had received preferable rate and not declaring it, giving him a financial benefit (naughty). He has now given in to public pressure by giving money back and give money to charity.


There is more to come with the Telegraph going through 2 million of stolen PDF files with the juicy MP expenses on so look out for more hysteria. For this debacle I believe thaty the public is partially to blame, as they wouldn't accept MP's raising their own wage to a decent level, which forced MP's to use a cowardly method of extracting more money through the expenses system.

The public are now demanding a general election to sweep away the filth out of Westminster. The main three political parties are now fearing reprisals for their foolish actions with a mass exodus at the next election. So the likelihood of a snap general election on the back of these claims is highly unlikely. Why would the government call a general election with an all time low of confidence in the system and with Labour currently polling around 22%, which is the lowest they've ever been. The Local and E.U elections are only around the corner on May 4th, and it will be very interesting to see the outcomes of that.

Here is a remix of the infamous video of Gordon Brown trying to sort out expenses before it all blew up.
See, they've made him look like he's dancing, instead of giving a boring speech.

Here is also a picture of Hazel Blears pretending she's going to ride a motorcycle.

Smoking Ban? Smoking Bang! Bang!

This is an intriguing video from UK hip-hop legend Skinnyman, who produced one of the greatest UK hip-hop albums: Council Estate of Mind back in 2004.
However this song is called smoking ban and is accompanied by one of my favorite music videos ever. The song was initally made a few months after the UK smoking ban was introduced.

I enjoy the imagery and play on the word bang, which happens a lot. I think he looks dashing in his shiny pink suit and shiny green cowboy hat. You must realise even thought the video and song doesn't show it, he's an incredibly talented artist, even if he does look like a young version of Tim Westwood. (Who is also an easy target for unknowledgable people to mock)
I love both Skinnyman and Westwood in thier own way there are like father and son. Both brilliant and both misunderstood.

I still can't believe this video hasn't exploded and become a youtube sensation, but hey-ho, let's go.

The Apprentice: Espisode 8 - Cool Margate

The Apprentice, ah the apprentice. Its currently going through a mid-season slump with mediocre episodes by its high standards, but is still highly enjoyable.

First of a nice early start of 5.10 am. Who is in the office at 5.10am? That's ludicrous, Alan has lost it, and has clearly over-stepped the line and abused his powers. I think sleep deprivation is torture tactic, which was employed by U.S security forces under G.W. Bush. I feel sorry for Alan's secretary who has got to wake up, get into the office and phone them up at 5.10am.

The Task was about Margate, in East Kent, and based around rebranding the town.
One team targeted the family market, the other the gay market.

Mona language watch: "Is there a big population of the gay or lesbian?",
Mona to the transsexual: "Are you a man or a woman, I wouldn't know"
and "You're a boy, but you're going to be a girl?"
She does speak 6 languages so she can be let off.

Lorraine Intuition watch: It springed up a few times this episode. She still talks about her vision, intuition and thinks she's right all the time. I wish she would shut up. She's going to be even worse next week.

Boardroom Dramas: Didn't really happen this week, a damp squib. Not much back-stabbing or angry words just a bit of discussion. Sir Alan's puns fell short this time, something about Punch and Judy and Pier's didn't really come off with any kind of conviction. Then came out the mandatory finger and catch-phrase....
.
.
And Mona was fired (here's the video)



I don't have any sympathy for Mona as her misguided narrow-minded religious views put her at a disadvantage. However I don't think she should have been fired for this task, even if she was a relatively weak candidate. Stone-faced Deborah should have gone in my humble opinion.

An update on the update

Thanks to the kind person at Oban Multilingual, I have been informed that more Micheal Owen acting videos are on the way, which is great news. I would like to thank The First Group for this pleasure. I will post them when they arrive.

The First Group/Oban Multilingual and David White partnership is now working brilliantly. Im now hoping that my busienss-to-business marketing knowledge can secure me exclusivity to the up-and-coming videos.

Little Update:

Ive received an email from Oban Multilingual who are search engine speacilist or translors or something, im not quite sure, acting on behalf of the Dubai-based property orgnastion: The First Group, to refrence their video for copyright reasons. Yes the Micheal Owen fliers a fake helicopeter over Dubai video.

So I have comlpied to your request, so I hope First Group and your partners are happy. I have refrenced the video to give you some more exposure. Im sure my 5 or 6 readers are sure to follow the link and instantly buy some overpriced property from your buisness.

I hope my compliance in this issue helps cement the First Group-David White partnership. Hopefully if they read this they can offer me a job after I graduate in the summer. I fully understand the right to protect their intellectual property even if the video is an embrassment.

Also check out the first episode of the Flight of The Conchords on BBC 4 at 22.05 tonight, it should be alot. To wet your whistle a behind the scenes look at the serires will be on at 22.30!!

Look around you, look around you, just look around you!

Have you worked out what we are looking for?
Correct, the answer is the clever comedy series of Look Around you, originally broadcast on BBC2 a few years ago, which went relatively unnoticed.

Here are two of my favourite modules from the first series:
Iron:

"Did you know that man has been using Iron since the Stone age!"
"We are working with the compound ACDC, as its a heavy metal!"


And the Brain:

The Apprentice: Espisode 7

Another good episode of the Apprentice, not brilliant, not a classic, but good.

The Apprentice is still going strong with another 8 million viewers on Wednesday despite the Champions League semi-final.

This week the task was selling-based, selecting products and then selling them on. Alan Sugar's obsession with selling is ridiculous. I'm not sure if he has realised but only a small percentage of Business-to-business or even Business-to-consumer marketing is actually personal selling, but he still loves it, and is £900m richer than me.

Also has anyone noticed that Mona speaks incorrectly or at least in a unorthodox manner. She seems to select random business terminology in places where it is doesn't need to be.

Lorraine played on the intuition and instinct thing and kept saying "I've got a feeling", well I have a feeling that you're not a very good team leader and just because you've had an ego boost doesn't make you Rupert bloody Murdoch you annoying woman.

There was some good pre-rehearsed puns coming out of the teams today,
With Philip talking about Lorraine: "Mystic Meg's going to be going back inside the crystal ball" with Lorraine coming back with: "Philip, he supposed to be some dynamic door-to-door salesman, he didn't show any of that dynamite yesterday, unless I put a bomb under his bottom I don't know what would have moved him"

Boardroom Drama: Alan was enraged when some candidates came back with no sales, he was furious when they didn't arrange meetings. He was so angry it was like one of the candidates had defecated on his stupidly large car. The Lorraine-Phillip argument raged on, with Philip landing a sharp and well-placed blow to Lorraine. Phil's frustration and immaturity shone through and quickly lost the respect of Sugar.

You're Fired: After toying with the candidates it was clear that Kate was never going to go with a straight toss-up between Lorraine and Phillip. Then the finger and the catchphrase came out which was aimed at Phillip, the big-talking Geordie. (he wasn't very happy at all, muttering under his breath "joke" Here it is


Lorraine is getting very annoying and if she keeps saying don't underestimate me etc people are going to loose patience

I want James to win as he's like a big kid

Ladies and Gentleman please fasten your seatbelts we are about to takeoff; Michael Owen finds new career as an actor

Anyone who's watched Newcastle United since January knows that Michael Owen is not as good as he used to be at his main job of football. So instead of focusing and concentrating on his playing career Michael Owen has embarked on a radical change of vocation and is now planning to become an actor.

Well what is his first job? In order to answer this question we must look at Dubai..... With a global recession and plummeting property prices countries which are heavily reliant on property have seen a disastrous slump in new investment, promoting serious economic fallout. The Dubai property investment group: The First Group decided that the only way to counteract these macro-economic trends was to have launch a new investment video with the aim of attracting big-money investment.

So who would head this video I hear you ask? Surely an established actor, perhaps; George Clooney, Bruce Willis, Russel Crowe, Jude Law, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michael Caine..... NO! Michael Owen will head the new investment video. They say drastic times call for drastic measures.

"Are you buckled up and ready?" Here is the video, all 9mins and 57seconds
of it.


Michael Owen Flies a Helicopter over Dubai
Video courtesy of The First Group Dubai Estate Agents
Michael's delivery and acting skills make this video very watchable and even exhilarating at points. Every word he speaks you hang-on and his use of adjectives is inspired. Micheal tells the potential investors that the helicopter that he is "piloting" has special powers. What? Special powers? Are you mad, nuts, crackers, crazy or bonkers? Why did he say that? What prompted The First Group to put that in the script, or was it improvised by this acting genius?

I'm not sure how Michael makes somewhere as amazing as such as Dubai so immensely boring but he does, that's how good he is. Michael makes several jokes, which drastically fail in every aspect. Michael Owen is a awful guide and I would be appalled if I paid $3m for an apartment and he was my next door neighbour giving me a tour of the building.

Also If you understand Russian, Owen's First Group teammate and another acting Goliath in Andriy Shecvchenko gives an equally thrilling tour, tailored for the Russian Oligarchs. Here is the link

Overall I don't believe that Owen has the capabilities to be an actor, and he was massively misguided in his judgment.

"I hope you enjoyed the flight"

Summarising thought: The First Group should have used a cardboard cutout of a horse to present this video, it would have been much more entertaining.