It's Series six of the UK version of the Apprentice.
This entry will review of this years' series in three parts;
Episodes 1-4
Episodes 5-8
Episodes 9-12.
What's the Apprentice?
I described the Apprentice last year as "A collection of suit-wearing delusional ego-maniacs"
Which I think is quite apt, and it's bang on this year as well.
For those who don't know or don't care The Apprentice is a business-based reality show.
Just think a 'business X-Factor', but with better: editing, production, content, less exploitation of the public and fewer desperate deplorable moments.
The show revolves around a group of desperate business supremo's vying for the 'perfect job' in Alan Sugars organisation. Every week they have to undertake tasks which have a basic grounding in business but contain many roles and skills that are obsolete in the real business world. For example I've never turned up for work at the office and my boss has turned round to me and said - "I need to see how you work under pressure, go make and then sell some sausages".
What's the same?
This series took on the same proven structure 12 episodes - 10 - tasks, 1 interview, and 1 final.
Same Old Sugar- Alan's back and he's .....not as good as last series.
It's been branded as 'The Job Interview from Hell'. As not only is the 12 task-filled week process gruelling but the reward of working for Alan Sugar is hellish.
What's new?
This series saw the introduction of Karen Brady as Sugar's Right Hand Woman. Also a new title was thrown into the mix, and now everyone has to refer to Alan as 'Lord Sugar', which makes him sound like a poorly conceived confectionery character.
The Candidates
One of the most noticeable main difference is that the levels of competency of candidates varied widely. For the first time people straight out of university were allowed a go, which made for interesting viewing. As ever each candidate has their own personal statement filled to brim of self-perpetuating bullshit.
Episode 1: Bangers
This episode was our introduction to the 16 brand new candidates. Bulging full of arrogance, confidence, self-adulation, a little bit of business acumen.
The mandatory over-hyped personal mission statement speeches followed. The most provocative one was from a 'Stuart Braggs' who blessed us with the memorable quote "Everything thing I touch turns to SOLD"
Clever Stuart! However my question would be what happens when you touch and embrace a loved one? Do they get sold?- Is Stuart Braggs trying to re-introduce the slave trade on the Isle of Man using his own family members? And who's he selling them to?
(p.s He's from the Isle of Man and made his money selling broadband and Yo-Yo's)
Sugar then gave them the 'Economic hard times' speech and off they went:
Team Movement: Standard Procedure - Boys vs. Girls
First things first - cliche' team names: Apollo and Synergy - DONE.
I'll also point out that the name Synergy was used in this years Junior Apprentice (filmed around 6 months before this)
Task: Make and sell sausages.
The Boys led by a ultra aggressive Team Leader in Dan (had 2 unsuccessful businesses). They tried to flog sausages on a stand (unsuccessfully), door-to-door (unsuccessfully) and even tried selling to a florist (unsuccessfully).
The girls turned up the heat got their gourmet sausages cooking and the sales came rolling in. High price point - high margin - high profit.
Result: The girls win. This was in part due to the competent leadership of Joanna and the decision to sell high-end gourmet sausages rather than basic bangers.
You're Fired: It was a simple choice for Sugar; Synergy Team Leader - Dan.
He was the closest representation of a Mussolini the Apprentice has ever created.
Highlight: Tough choice from Stuart Braggs try to sell to the public by verbally abusing them and his invisible calculator trick.
Best Line: "Excuse me Sir, you look like a sausage connoisseur" - Which sounds like a crude homophobic insult.
Clip: Bangers and Clash - Annoying Melissa has to get involved:
Thanks BBC! (source)
Episode 2: Beach Accessory
Team movement: Stella crossed the gender apatite as she settled into the boys team as project manager. Also the incredibly posh one (can;t remember his posh name) left the series for family reasons. The girls were managed by 22 year old Laura.
Task: Come up with a new product design a try to sell it to retailers.
Boys came up with a 'Cuuli' a unusual combination of a Towel and a food-cooler, managing to create an impractical product that served neither purpose very well.
The girls struck gold with a particular disastrous idea: a book stand for the beach : 'Book-eeze'
It was eeeze-y to see that this idea was not only flawed, there was little market for it, was difficult to sell, it was also fiddly and hard to present with. However it was better than the genius idea of a foot-glove proposed by Liz. An idea which closely resembles a shoe.
Once they had created their stupid products, and finalised their foolish brand-names they had to pitch to three big retailers including Boots.
The women fumbled around with their eeeze-y-to assemble product, impressing no-one in the process but still finding enough time to bitch a bit.
In contrast the men well-organised by Stella started well, but quickly dissented into their old macho ways. In a typical chauvinistic manner they got the only woman in their team to pose in swimwear for the picture.
Result: Boys win. They secured a few minor orders, compared to women who managed to gain no orders (an Apprentice first).
Boardroom drama ensued with the women's sense of professionalism imploding decenting into mass bickering in
You're Fired: Joanna
Sugar says: Joanna - "never saw her pull her weight" (please note she was a little bit on the hefty side)
Highlight: The book-eeze collapsing during the middle of a pitch- literally and metaphorically shattering the chances of them winning.
Episode 3: Serious Dough
Task: The teams have to make their own bakery products and are given a market stall from which they sell their goods. They also go head-to-head to pitch for the business of a high-class hotel, a restaurant and a coffee shop.
Shibby lead Apollo while Melissa was chosen to lead Synergy.
This episode revolved around the battle of the worst Project Manager.
Each team leader had a go at being more incompetent than the other. Them contrived to out-do each other in how can make the worst decision contest. This escalated quickly into farce before descending into chaos.
Shibby started acting like a disgruntled child in a meeting. Saying 'he wasn't happy with it' whilst slamming down his order book, which constituted the most unprofessional behaviour even seen in an apprentice meeting. Described by Paloma as "highly embarrassing" Apollo won the order for the hotel, but promised more that it could deliver and failed to fulfil orders. In a clumsy exchange they turned up at the Hotel at 4am offering them 16 rolls out of the 1000 they had promised hours earlier. Shibby in his wisdom offered the hotel compensation for their loss like some bakery insurance company. See him squirm below:
Source: BBC
Melissa on the other hand was no better. It appeared that she couldn't manage a piss-up in a brewery. She was unable to make a decision, unable to delegate, unable to motivate, unable to gain other people's confidence. When she mad a poor deicision she took it upon herself to blame all of her other team members. She started a fight with Alex and accused him of being quiet due to a 'Maths GSCE problem' he replied, "I don't have a problem, I got an A* at GSCE Maths"
The day was entertaining if farcical resulting in Synergy making around £200 more profit than Apollo.
You're fired: Shibby
Let's just say his management style was at least 1 short of a Baker's dozen At least he was able to get Chris to dress-up as an oven.
Highlight: Mellisa's shambolic performance as a project manager.
Best Line: Shibby to the let down Chef:
Chef - "What shall I tell my customers?" Shibby - "Go on the Atkins diet?"
Episode 4: Selling to Trade
This week they were instructed to assemble at the Science Museum, on the way to journey Jaime deliberated what bearing this would have on the upcoming task: "it's either going to be something to do with science or museums"
Task: Each team must select two innovative new products to sell to trade.
Team Movements: Having been the PM in the last task and failing horribly, Melissa tried to commit Apprentice suicide by trying to become PM again for the 2nd week in a row, like the Mark Thatcher Equatorial Guinea Coup of 2004 it failed miserably.
Jaime becomes PM for Synergy. Chris is the leader for Apollo.
The first part of the task was to review and choose the potential products the teams are going to try and sell. The products on offer ranged from a gardening trowel to a corset-T-shirt thing.
Both teams wanted the Baby-grow which changes colour when the babys temperature is too high. This gives the manufacture the choice of teams. Apollo greeted the representative well and showed a level of genuine interest, whereas synergy had Stuart Braggs who started insulting the product and woman by claiming the product was unless, as the baby would be dead before the product would show any effect.
Apollo - Baby-grow and slimming t-shirt for gentleman,
Synergy - Energy saving shower head and a trowel.
The second part of the challenge was to pitch to (as Melissa put it) the 'big-boi' retailers.
Apollo utilised Liz's friendly personality and presenting skills to full affect and attracted big interest in the baby product, which went down a storm at the baby retailer (for obvious reasons)
The rest of the team went out less successfully to sell to trade on the hight-street. The tension and competitiveness of individual selling in a team created a catifght of sorts on the streets of Soh around the orders. Watch the fight below:
Synergy led by Jaime sent Melissa and Stuart the big mouth big shots to the most crucial meeting with a plumbing wholesalers, where the display unit failed and so did their pitch.
Melissa claimed there was no room for manureve-ment, and she had to maintain her proffesionail-ity.
Stuart Braggs trying to fix the shower display unit:
Result: Apollo win and with a record for number of sales.
Jaime brought Melissa and Stuart into the boardroom, Melissa crumbled Alan had enough of her and she was gone.
You're Fired: Melissa
After leaving the boardroom she refused to shake either of the other candidates' hand, showing a high-level of 'proffesionality'
Best Line: Come out of my face! (Melissa after being fired)
Highlight: The demise and dismissal of Melissa
Key Learnings
It was a good start to the series, which was reflected in solid viewing figures of 7 million. But what did we learn in the first five episodes:
Sugar still has a few cracking pre-written put downs. Staurt Braggs has a brilliant ability to come out with verbal absurdities. Stella is dull, Laura loves a moan and Sandeesh has got the largest eyes of any human, making her resemble a Tarsier.
Melissa was mental: both disillusion and over-bearing in equal measure. Somehow she is unaware of how much rubbish she talks. Unfortunately she previously worked as a manger for my current employer. Perhaps I can employ a few of her tactics to further my career. Saying that it was a massive disappointment to see her leave as I grew extremely fond of her and her mannerisms and her presence was the Apprentice highlight of the first 4 episodes.
*Star* of the first four episodes - Melissa.Part Two will be arriving shortly and will review episodes 5-8
